Single dad and blogger Dan Pearce offers up some pretty darn good marriage advice. (Photo: danoah.com) |
I love Dan Pearce's perspective on love, marriage and parenting. His blog, Single Dad Laughing, puts me in stitches. But this particular post, "16 Ways I Blew My Marriage," is not only funny, it oozes with wisdom. Read on. Especially if you're married, about to get married or want to be married (heck-- it'll do you good even if you don't have any interest in getting hitched).
16 Ways I Blew My Marriage
Reposted from danoah.com
Oct. 17, 2012
You know what blows big time?
The other night I was sitting with my family,
most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving
our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s
somewhat of a family tradition.
But that’s not what blows. What really blows
is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all,
I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.
And so, when it was my turn, I just made a
joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse
when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new
that is just like she was.
There were a couple courtesy giggles, but
overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of
profundity.
They finished round one, and for some reason
started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have
marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending”
advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.
It eventually came to me again, and what I
said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying
things as I was at writing them.
And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out
my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have
known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After
writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.
I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list.
Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them”
even though they almost all were true in both marriages.
1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND
When I first dated the woman I ended up
marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At
movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my
hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public.
Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the
effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d
hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand
everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for the
moment.
BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True
story.
2. DON’T STOP TRYING TO BE ATTRACTIVE.
Obviously when I was working to woo her, I
would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I
kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she
wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing
all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any
time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever,
cared about making myself attractive just for her.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire
marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d
make myself desirable so that she would desire me.
BONUS! When you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.
3. DON’T ALWAYS POINT OUT HER
WEAKNESSES.
For some reason, somewhere along the way,
I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak
and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were
dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she
was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she
sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able
to improve.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought
could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more
than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of others are
too beautiful to try and change.
BONUS! When you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what
you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the
dentist. And even strangers on the street.
4. DON’T STOP COOKING FOR HER.
I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And
the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic
evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married?
Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas
once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her
feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or
setting up a candlelit table.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her,
something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is
never awesome.
BONUS! Candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.
5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of
yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do
when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go
ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take
that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and
authoritative.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to
know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always
hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell
to her?
BONUS! Sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would
have missed otherwise.
6. DON’T CALL NAMES.
I always felt I was the king of not calling
names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the
other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or
that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names,
and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about
anything else.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d
call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her
names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of
the moment.
BONUS! She’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.
7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.
As the main bread earner, I was always so
stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she
didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on
things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as
many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was
spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was
bring undo stress to our relationship.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted,
whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do
it.
BONUS! Sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to
makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.
8. DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
There was never any argument that was so
important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t
there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know
why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing
things.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids,
no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that
meant, “not with the kids here.”
BONUS! When you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or
unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.
9. DON’T ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO SKIP
WORKING OUT.
I always thought it was love to tell my
spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you
don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and
it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I
wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the
other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to
encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me
I’m strong enough to keep them.
BONUS! Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And
happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)
10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR
OPEN.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started
thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First
of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there
is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she
saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less
attractive.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.
BONUS! When she does think of your naked body, she’s not going
to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.
11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.
It always got to a point when I’d more or
less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there
was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss
her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course
lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and
whatnot.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in
the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any
time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my
germ issues kicked in.
BONUS! She feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.
12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.
Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability
shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I
really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really
go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know
that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also
goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two
weekends in a row.
BONUS! Awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome
things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.
13. DON’T PRESSURE EACH OTHER.
Pressuring each other about anything is
always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money.
I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so
pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I
usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many
times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views,
opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in
differentiation, not the threat.
BONUS! Authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do
authentic foot rubs.
14. DON’T LABEL EACH OTHER WITH
NEGATIVE LABELS.
Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my
marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you
aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come
something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone?
They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action
that sparked the label worsen in big ways.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those
phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you
should,” I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say
“you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d
follow it up with something positive.
BONUS! The noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you
don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck,
which is always nice.
15. DON’T SKIP OUT ON THINGS THAT ARE
IMPORTANT TO HER.
It was so easy in marriage to veto so many
of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both
enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never
enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only
thing she needs is to know that I’m there.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I
would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it
differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.
BONUS! Go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude
gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.
16. DON’T EMOTIONALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF
AFTER A FIGHT.
I never got to experience the power of
make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d
completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication
would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked
out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode
unnecessarily.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more
often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an
ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.
BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.
I had lots more, but the list started getting
super long so I’ll stop right there. It’s amazing when you’ve had relationships
end, just how much you learn and know you could have done differently, isn’t
it?
My sister and her new husband will be
amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing marriage advice in the
future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from ending” advice
like I get to.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing