5 things you'll never find in my closet

I like to think that my closet is pretty democratic. 

There's a good representation in my wardrobe: feminine (floral blouses, maxi dresses), eclectic/artsy (lots of chunky statement jewelry, thrift store finds, my favorite Carin Wester drop waist dress), boyish (button-up vests, suspenders, wingtip Oxfords), conservative (a black pantsuit from Banana Republic), preppy (anything from J.Crew), naughty (a black lace LBD) and even political (my treasured Obama 2008 pin and a favorite t-shirt that reads, "A wise man once said, 'I don't know, ask a girl.'"). 

However, there are certain items that will never get my vote. There's nothing you can say to change my mind. The following five items look good on NO ONE.

Tevas

Much to my chagrin, the "ugly-chic" footwear trend continues. Confirmation that the world is going bonkers: the rise of the Teva sandal. Once considered the ultimate fashion faux pas, Tevas are now hailed as the "It" sandal among designers like Marc Jacobs, Prada and Balenciaga. I don't care what the fashion magazines say. I will never wear Tevas. Ever. (p.s. Crocs come in a close second.)  

Blingy jeans

Because I never want that much bling on my butt.


Ripped up, super-short jean shorts with pockets showing

I once made the mistake of purchasing a pair of said shorts for a visit back to California. I thought the embroidered pockets were cute. Of course that was before my mother took one look at me and said, "Oh my goodness! Are you planning to go outside in that?!" I always value her fashion acumen. Thanks for saving me, Mom. 


Sky-high platform pumps

Also known as extreme platforms, hooker heels and f*ck me pumps, let's leave these puppies to the drag queens.  


Harem pants

Because no one should look like they're wearing a saggy diaper.


Photos via Urban Outfitters and Pinterest.