Excited to bring you a new monthly column called "Sex and the single girl" starring funny woman, fellow blogger and partner-in-crime Erika Abdelatif.
Let's take a journey with Erika as she muses on all things modern single ladies are dealing with from online dating disasters and choosing to be childfree to changing ideas of feminism and fighting for gender equality.
To the deep end of the pool we go!
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My womb has no vacancy
By Erika Abdelatif for love, -j.
When I was a little girl I was
never big on playing house.
Instead, I occupied myself with
novels, holding my family hostage while improvising monologues and tearing the
heads off Ken dolls. (Is it just me or was Ken with Barbie for all the wrong
reasons?) Fast forward a few decades and not much has changed. I no longer
disembody men, but I’m still more interested in writing and career-ing than
homemaking and parenting.
To many people (namely, the men
I date) this quality is a flaw. Actually, my desire to stay child free came up
on a recent date. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a man so stone-faced before. I
had to look over my shoulder because, momentarily, I thought he may have seen a
ghost.
In case you were wondering, we
never had a second date.
My sweet mother, who would make
the World’s Greatest Grandmother, is convinced I’ll change my mind when I fall
in love. (For the record, I don’t find this offensive. I’m open to changing my
mind in the future. Open-mindedness is a sign of strength.)
I’m a part of a growing number of women who are choosing
to opt out of parenting. A 2014 US Census Bureau population survey reported the
highest percentage of childfree women since the bureau started tracking data in
1976. There are more of us speaking out about it too, in an effort to make the topic less taboo. There
are blogs, discussion groups, chat rooms and books devoted to childfree living. The Huffington Post even has a “Childfree by Choice” section on its site.
It’s not that I don’t like
kids. In fact, I spent most of my early career in childcare. Kids are great. They’re
hilarious, free-spirited and they provide a built-in excuse to eat mac and
cheese -- guilt free. What’s not to love? In life, however, each of us is
tasked with the responsibility to determine how to best invest our limited
resources. How will we direct our energy, time, money and brain capacity to
yield the greatest return? The answer, for many, is in raising the next
generation and that is a noble calling. But parenting is not for the faint of
heart. It’s tough work that involves sacrifice, humility and unimaginable
courage. It isn’t necessarily the best investment for everyone. It isn’t the
best investment for me.
I may be missing out on raising
the next generation, but my choice to be childfree has allowed me many other
incredible experiences. I’ve been on six
humanitarian aid trips. Worked for four non-profits and served on the board of
one. I’ve eaten falafel in Jerusalem. I’ve studied human trafficking and
peacemaking. I’ve followed whims and passion. I’ve held hands with hurting
friends on the brink of divorce. I’ve built relationships with the chronically
homeless in my city. I made a drastic career change to focus on writing and
comedy. I swam in the Nile. Most importantly, I’ve been an additional voice of
love and support in the lives of my friends’ kids.
Of course, a parent could do
these things as well—but different. Limited. We’re limited in energy and
resources. That’s just reality. When we spread our resources too thin, we
compromise on quality. I want to give my absolute best to my commitments.
People often assume a childfree life is either heartless or lonely. It doesn’t have to be. For me, this
lifestyle affirms the creative and wild way I’ve been wired. Life without kids
has given me the ability play a supporting role in the lives of many, instead
of the primary role in a few. Both are beautiful. Both are meaningful. Both
should be celebrated.
It’s tempting to critique life
choices, especially when they’re different from our own. Trust me, I know this
from personal experience. I can be the Queen of Judgment and, frankly, having strong
opinions about other people’s lives is fun (am I right, or am I right?). It’s a
distraction from our own fears. It removes us from the depths of our
insecurities. After all, scrutinizing someone else temporarily enables me to
ignore the ways I feel inferior. It’s relief from the nagging voice in our
heads saying, “Am I doing this right?”
But that is profoundly
dangerous.
We have to fight that
inclination. This isn’t a competition. I need your example. I need to learn
from your family’s experiences. You need me, too—and so do your kids. We have a
lot to offer one another. Let’s learn to ruthlessly practice the art of
supporting one another, as each of our hearts lead us to unique places.
Our communities will be
stronger for it.
(*This post originally appeared on Erika's blog and was expanded for love, -j.)
(*This post originally appeared on Erika's blog and was expanded for love, -j.)
Illustration by Valentina Rossi via Hyro.
